Quit Running Into Walls

I have come across a lot of people who struggle with relationships. The most common complaint that I hear is that nobody is good enough or that people believe that they are the issue. If we were to take a step back, it is highly implausible that all the challenges in our relationships with other people such as partners, family, friends, coworkers and others are caused by solely us or by solely others.

Typically, when we think like that, it comes down to our “defensive mindset”. We often do not realize that we had a hand in setting up certain scenarios that turned out in a way that did not work for us. I want you to know that this is NOT your fault. The truth is that there were preceding circumstances that led you down that path.  In our personal history, we are taught how to feel about ourselves, how to value ourselves and how to perceive others. If you, from an early age, learned that you are not good enough, that belief starts out as a drop of ink in a glass of water and can eventually grow into a bucket of ink in a glass of water.

When we think that we are not good enough or worthy enough, it becomes the compass that guides us through life. It impacts EVERY relationship we have in life – from professional to personal. Not feeling good enough about ourselves turns into an assumption that others do not believe that we are good enough either. All of a sudden, we expect others to criticize and judge us even if it is not overtly expressed. We anticipate challenges, arguments, conflict and hardship and then naturally either fight back or cover up.

Fighting “back” (remember that we are typically only fighting back because we are ANTICIPATING conflict) has us then coming across as unapproachable or difficult. The typical reaction from people around us then is to be uncomfortable. We misinterpret that discomfort as a confirmation of our initial assumption and then we are off to the races.

On the other hand, we may have the common experience of being walked all over all the time. This is not necessarily because that is actually the case, but we assume that we are being judged, we assume that people have poor intentions, we cover up and roll over instead of standing up for ourselves and then feel the hardship of relationships. In that case, many people try to EARN love or connection. They bend over backwards, give everything while requesting very little. It is a brilliant, yet ineffective response. What better way than to feel good enough or worthy than to be around people that you believe need you. You make yourself a necessary person in another’s life. Now, the truth is that the people who make you feel that you are necessary are also the kind of people that have a difficult time taking care of you. They, by virtue of being “needy” people, do not have a lot to give. Your interpretation over time is that you are exhausted, people only want to use you, friends are unreliable, and nobody really cares and so on.

It is a difficult path when you walk through life with a faulty compass that has told you something about yourself and the world that does not fit. That is why it is good to look into that and gain some clarity. It is life-changing to truly understand your history, your ACTUAL value and then to be able to make some clear choices that give you access to a better life experience.

All of us can relate to having had some sort of challenge during our childhood or adolescence. It is not always about having experiences deep trauma; sometimes, it is about having had a challenging relationship with a parent, sibling or relative, that impacted us enough to not be clear about our value. If you are hard on yourself, hard on others, feel hard done by because of others’ choices, if you have tough relationships, if you feel taken for granted a lot, if you worry that people do not value you, then it is definitely worth your while to look into gaining more clarity regarding who you really are and how you have thus far walked through life.

I have seen the impact of a COURSE CORRECTION for people and the results are nothing short of liberating, amazing and life-changing. The question is: do you want that for yourself?

Be brave. Be open. Be honest. Let’s start an honest and open conversation with each other to ensure that we all know that none of us are alone in our struggles. Let’s grow together.

As always, be kind to yourself and others. If you have any questions or comments, you are always welcome to send them to info@newhistory.ca.

Until next time,

Geoff Ayi-Bonte MA RCC
Registered Clinical Counsellor
www.newhistory.ca