Partners promise that they will change once they are alerted to a problem. Friends will swear on their life that they will not make the same mistake again that may challenge the friendship and underlying trust. Coworkers and employees will easily say that they will change going forward or that “this will never happen again”.
Promises are made and you get your hopes up or, even worse, become cynical at the odds of true transformation because you can recall all those times in your life when people promised to “change” but rarely, if ever, did. This is YOUR FAULT and I will share with you why:
We get caught up in potential of a person. We somehow think that, just because we can see what they could be capable of, that they will somehow share that vision and strive toward that goal. In the absence of consensus, we somehow end up hurt, betrayed or shocked that the end result does not match our vision of the potential. “POTENTIAL” only means “NOT NOW”. It does not mean that the person will get there or even wants to get there. Furthermore, potential is subjective. Just because we happen to “see” their potential does also not mean that what we envision their potential to be is, in fact, their potential. I understand that we tend to largely do this with the best of intentions, but we most often forget that the potential we see is the one that will serve us instead of them. Be mindful.
Potential is one thing. Hopeful expectation is another. We have these expectations of others that we can easily justify to ourselves and to them. Most expectations occur in the absence of considering the other person’s actual capacity. Just because we expect someone to change does not mean that they have the desire, know-how, motivation, skill set, resilience, strength, internal support, external support, time, resources or even care to be on that journey. Yet, we insist that our expectation of the future is one that ought to be met. Be mindful.
The simplest and truest predictor of lasting change (TRANSFORMATION) is the following:
The person has to recognize that there is an issue
Working on the issue must have a personal benefit to that person to encourage motivation
They must be taking on the ACTIVE task of learning. This means that just talking about how they will change is useless. The person will be reading books, talking to people who can help, connecting with people who may mentor them, and much more in order for you to know that they are taking active steps toward change.
The person desires to find the personal origin of the issue instead of just the surface one. This guarantees an absence of repeating the same issue.
They will share their process of growth with you because transparency is a vital part of connection and trust-building.
You can witness them making consistent progress despite possible minor setbacks.
In the absence of any of these six steps, future change has low odds. Conversely, we have high odds of feeling disappointed, betrayed, let down, taken for granted and more. I stated earlier that being let down is your fault. What I was referring to is that our expectations and hope rarely match the reality around us because we do not insist on the correct process. Hence, the outcome is largely predictable.
Those who do the work, get to the desired outcome.
I can attest to that personally and professionally. Those people who have asked for personal development support and who have dedicated themselves to the aforementioned steps have been able to achieve their goals. They describe it as a sense of freedom from a challenge that they seemed to not previously have had any control over. Is it not a great moment to know that you are free of something that makes your life less great?
In my work with people, the question of “Why does this issue keep coming up in my life?” constantly arises. The path for transformation is very clear as long as we follow it. Life is too short to repeat scenarios that do not add to our life. Constantly connecting with people who do not fit for you, dealing with a relationship in which your partner does not see eye to eye with you, friendships that are strained, work-place connections that are stressful…there is a way through and the great news is that we have control. When we see people for who and how they really are, the path forward is straight forward, regardless of our hope or view of potential. There is a simpler way.
Be brave. Be open. Be honest. As always, be kind to yourself and others. If you have any questions or comments, you are always welcome to send them to info@newhistory.ca.
Until next time,
Geoff Ayi-Bonte MA RCC
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Mental Health Clinician, Advocate and Practice Leader
