Escaping The Guilt Treatment Trap

The feeling of GUILT is one that most people can relate to. Many of us have been “trained” to feel guilty, so that we do what others want us to. Our family is likely the most effective culprit of using guilt as a means of compliance. My own mother, with the best of intention, would say to me when she wanted me to eat something that I refused to eat, that she “made it especially for me”. How could I then continue to refuse since it was special? Yes, it is a very mild example and the point is that it, when it is used consistently, can become a way of relating to one another which comes at a very high price to all parties. It sets up the kind of relationship where the issuer of guilt never gets to feel that they are valued enough for the recipient of the “guilt treatment” to do something out of sheer care. The recipient, in turn, always feels that, regardless of what is being asked, it is always about taking care of the issuer’s feelings. The impact is merciless: guilt keeps us stuck in pain, heartache, and stress. It never feels good! Worse yet, if this occurs too often during our formative years, our youth, we end up subconsciously repeating it throughout adulthood in all of our relationships. It is harmful and takes away from healthy relationships and a healthy view of self. 

The “guilt treatment” is rationalized as a way to teach someone how to behave. It may seem to yield the desired effect, but it is highly toxic, because it strikes at the very core of the relationship – trust and care.

Some have argued that guilt helps people to be accountable. How else do they learn how they affect others?

The distinct difference between guilt and accountability is:

Guilt has you feeling bad about yourself (who you are);

Accountability has you feeling bad about your specific behaviour (what you did).

Once we distort how we feel about who we are, we guarantee low self-esteem. You likely know people who do not feel good about themselves, who please others at their own expense, or people who are very selfish out of an honest sense of rebellion, for example. All that is due to the “guilt treatment”.

The goal is to be responsible and caring. Accountability is more effective than guilt, because it permits leaning from our mistakes without undermining who we are. It is about learning life lessons through our behaviour in the moment. Therefore, we learn that we need not be perfect in order to deserve close and healthy relationships. It simply becomes a matter of changing behavior, instead of questioning whether we, as a person, are good enough.

Is it good motivation to change, just because someone else is unhappy with us? If you say “yes”, then you are at risk of being used by others, taken for granted by others, being abused by others, and never feeling that you can do enough in order to be enough.

If guilt is your companion, think about this: if your goal is to be loved, valued, respected, understood and cared for, does it not make sense for you to allow unqualified people to determine your value as a person? Hint: nobody is qualified to determine the value of another 

Think about the relationships in your life (i.e. family, friends, acquaintances, partners, children, etc.):

Do you tend to go out of your way to please others without expecting the same in return?

Do you tend to have people around you who lean on you a lot?

Do you have lots of friends but feel lonely?

Do you have difficulties letting go of control in relationships?

Do you often feel taken for granted or used?

Do you feel that you cannot be yourself for fear of not being considered good enough?

Do you tend to put others ahead of yourself?

If you answered “yes” to at least 3 out of the 7 questions, you may want to look at what you were taught in your formative years about relationships and how that may be playing out today.

The people in your life that have gotten used to you bending over backwards for them without having to at least reciprocate may not agree with you wanting more out of the relationship. You do NOT need external approval. All you need is the desire to finally be treated as an equal. You know that it is impossible to please everyone, but YOU need to be happy. You deserve the chance to learn and grow without having to feel bad about yourself.

Be brave. Be open. Be honest. As always, be kind to yourself and others. If you have any questions or comments, you are always welcome to send them to info@newhistory.ca.

Until next time,

Geoff Ayi-Bonte MA RCC
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Mental Health Clinician, Advocate and Practice Leader