“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
Don’t you love not being heard? I can hear the resounding echoes of no and imagine the negative nods to this question. Like you, I want to be heard, and need the attention of the person or people I am speaking to. I may not necessarily be looking for advice or a solution, just to be listened to!
I understand my friends and family for the most part have good intentions, and believe they genuinely want to help, and by giving their opinion they think they are helping. However, when all I wanted from them was to be listened to.
However, their inability to let me be heard before hastily providing a solution or fix and by not waiting for me to ask “what do you think?” was the missing link I needed. When this happens I am usually left feeling frustrated and deflated.
It goes something like this…
Moments of me not being heard:
Me: I am still being faced with challenges from a colleague, and though she has a close relationship with the manager, I still need to address it.
Friend: Are you crazy, you are writing your walking ticket by doing that, at least you have a job that pays well, I won’t do it.
Me: I feel really saddened by the loss of my co-worker
Friend: Really? It is just a co-worker, you’ll get over it!
Moments of me being heard:
Me: I am still being faced with challenges from a colleague, and though she has a close relationship with the manager, I still need to address it.
Friend: Wow, it must be serious! What happened to get you to this place?
Me: I feel really saddened by the loss of my co-worker
Friend: Sorry to hear! Why do you think that is and is there anything I can do to help?
We live in a fast paced world where our too busy lives, and over tired bodies can be the culprit that prevents us from actively listening to our friends and family. Too busy to stop and genuinely connect sends the wrong message, though unintentional. Too tired to tune in, because our minds are either too full or exhausted to really hear what’s being said, and in those very moments we can close the door to helping someone else, and lose the opportunity to be a caring person.
Unfortunately, the inability to listen and be heard shows up in our day to day living, and we are mostly unaware of doing it. Recently in the news, attention was placed on the increase of attempted suicide and suicide amongst police, and soldiers returning from active duty (PTSD). I believe part of this problems stems from not having the safe space to be heard minus pre-judgement and bandage solutions for a quick fix. When our kids rebel, get involved with drugs and hang out with the wrong company is a cry for help, not because they are “just being rebellious”. It is because they are not given the space to be heard!
It is equally beneficial for us begin cultivating the skill of active listening. We can become a friend, partner, co-worker, society, and world that slows down enough to pause and actively listen. Think about what would happen if you choose to stop being too busy, too tired, and too quick to give solutions, and instead pause to create a safe space for others to be heard.
I challenge and strongly encourage you to make the decision to become more consciously aware and committed to be an active listener, and start a discussion around this important skill set to bring awareness to your extended circle of influence. You will be both the giver and receiver and discover how beneficial and empowering the quality of active listening can be.
I would love to hear your comments on how active listening has helped you, and when you are not being heard how does that make you feel and what do you do?
diane@makethemovecoaching.com
To your health and enjoyment!
By Diane Dutchin